Festival Mum

Parent Dilemma. You want to go to a music festival. Should you take your small offspring? Is it still a proper festival experience if you might not see all the bands you want to and you don't get slowly shit-faced?

This has been a tough one since I became a mum. It sounds amazing to integrate something you love from pre-parent days into family life. But is that realistic for us?

I have heard of many parents who throw a tent and wellies in the back of the car and head off for a mud and music filled adventure. I'm guessing that they are the types of families who love camping trips anyway. We are not. Or more specifically, I am not.

Since going camping with the Guides aged 12 I learned that it only takes two days for my curly hair to turn into a Medusa-like state without the aid of a power shower. I also like my own toilet.

So for the past few years I've just not bothered, instead choosing to watch on the red button, with a brew and my slippers on.

But now my Unbalanced Man plays guitar in a band that are getting invited to play at these festivals. So I want to go even more. Would 6 year old Joe enjoy watching Daddy play? Probably, for about 20 minutes from past experience. But, if you give him a choice between time at Granny's where he can have bacon butties and ice-cream on tap, or being taken from tent to tent watching all the weird and wonderful artists perform songs that are NOT recognisable tunes from Disney and Pixar films, there's no contest.

So that's the answer then. Weekend at Granny's, and off we go.

But uh-oh, here comes Mum Guilt. I absolutely hate sodding Mum Guilt.

"Going off having fun on your own are you?
Drinking are you?
Don't think I've forgotten that you were away without him last weekend,
AND working away the week before that.
Look at THOSE parents who've brought their children.
Look how much fun the kids are having.
Joe would LOVE jumping on hay bails with them.
They are GOOD parents who REALLY love their kids."

I tell you what Mum Guilt, you can absolutely fuck right off. Yes, perhaps Joe would have enjoyed BITS of the weekend, but probably not the whole of it. Instead, we've had an amazing weekend as a couple. Joe is back, more than happy and of course, full of ice cream. Next week Ste has another gig but I'm not going, and the week after we're setting off on a family holiday. So everyone is happy. You might even say it's all balanced as it should be.

Festival-ing wasn't the same as pre-parent days. We managed to stay up till the early hours on the first night, but didn't get anywhere near shit faced, and on the second we came home early and were in bed way before midnight.

So I'll accept that I'm not full-on Rock and Roll, but I had a wonderful time. And I did go to bed with that guitar player!!

Unbalanced Equality

This weekend Tim Lovejoy was interviewing Kelis on Sunday Brunch and said,
"I'm a dad. I look after my kids 50% of the time but no-one ever asks me, 'How do you juggle career and children?'. But... How do you juggle career and children!!"

Tim Lovejoy - gets it spot on

Yes Tim! Exactly that. Why do interviewers (or the people who write the questions for them) think that when interviewing a woman who has a job and small children, then this is an essential question? And yet when interviewing a man in the same situation, they don't.

This is a question that I've pondered for a while, and I have become quite frustrated that it appears to still be considered a 'Women's issue'. It really pisses me off.

But I also want to add another point .... It's not just parents, and it's not just workers that need to juggle or balance their lives.

There seems to be a magic equation of :
Woman + Kids + Job = "How do you find a balance?"

I started my Unbalanced Woman blog a while back because I was having to make some changes to get my balance right. And it struck me that all types of people feel they are trying to juggle or balance lots of different things in their lives. Not just when they have kids. People feel 'Unbalanced' for many different reasons. In my blog I consciously talk about some elements of being a mum, some of having a job, and some about totally different things. That's MY life equation and my (happily) busy and Unbalanced life.

I know plenty of people with different life equations who are equally busy and therefore may sometimes feel 'Unbalanced':

Man + Job + Parents needing care = Juggler
Woman + Kid + Another Kid = Juggler
Woman + Illness + Part-Time Job = Juggler
Woman + Retired + Grandparent child care + Social commitments = Juggler

Many of these things are wonderful aspects of our lives, but they still need juggling. And when we can't find a balance we ask for help, or we strap on our boots and crack on as best we can, accepting that sometimes we drop a ball or occasionally we totally fuck everything up.

So I'm with Tim - if we think it's important to ask working mums how they balance their lives, let's give equal interest to working dads, non working parents and non-parenting adults.

Or just join me in accepting that 'Unbalanced' is a way of life, for all types of people, and it's to be celebrated.

#UnbalancedSolidarity

I'm a hypocrite

I came across a school paper this week that set out a series of rules that should be completed each day 'before you turn on the screen'. It included:

• made your bed
• had breakfast
• dressed, brushed your hair and brushed your teeth
• completed 20 minutes of reading AND 20 minutes of writing or colouring AND played outside for 30 minutes AND made or built something creative
• cleaned a room 
• helped someone in your family in another way

My first thought was, "Jesus Christ!", and my second was to quickly check if these rules are intended for the adults or just the kids. I would physically harm anyone who tried to make me follow these rules. Not really, but I would call them some rather disgusting names. In my head. I'm a coward really.

But it made me think… do I set rules for my kids that I don't follow myself?

First of all, let's tackle the screen time one. I spend the majority of my day looking at a screen, for work, for communication and for entertainment. I think there are few people left who don't multi-screen - watching TV while intermittently checking messages and social media on our phones.

It's rare that I won't have looked at a screen before completing any of the first three things on the list. Often I look at my phone before I've even got out of bed!

We live in the digital age and, here's the point, so do our children.  Reading a story or watching a story - who gets to say which is better? I love books, theatre, film and TV, and blogs, let's not forget blogs. They are all just telling stories. We recognise Shakespeare as the ultimate writer, but let's remember that the majority of his celebrated work was written as plays - for people to WATCH. Could TV and film and even You-Tube arguably be considered as just 'modern theatre'.

My boy has just shown me a Spiderman world he's created in MineCraft, with pants-wetting excitement and pride because he's worked out how to build something he's not done before.

Is he being creative? - tick

Using logic, intellect and tenacity? - tick

Writing and colouring? - (in computer code) tick

Social skills - tick. He has friends who share his passionate hobby and they discuss ideas and teach each other new skills. 

So why do screens get such a bad rep? "Because of risks to eyesight, posture, lack of exercise" my argumentative brain cries. OK, all fair points. We have to watch those, for kids AND adults in the digital age. But my brain's back with a counter-argument: is that different to when we had to learn from all the back and lung problems people had in the industrial age when manual labour, like working in a  mill or a mine, was the norm?

So I do watch what my boy does, and try to make sure there's a balance of activities and responsibilities. The same as I try to make sure he gets enough exercise, sleep and healthy food. I admit I'm absolutely guilty of being more bothered about those rules for him than I ever apply to myself, which makes me a total hypocrite. He eats better, sleeps longer and gets more exercise than I ever do. 

I think I might just cut him some slack on the screen time.